My Dear Light Workers,
I have been talking about the disease of codependence on my last two blogs and today I am going to wrap up this topic by recommending ways to stop this dysfunctional cycle of shame blame and self-abuse.
The way to stop this cycle is two-fold and simple in theory but quite challenging to implement on a moment-to-moment, day-to-day basis in our lives. The first part has to do with removing the shame from our inner process. This is a complicated and multileveled process that involves changing the belief systems that are dictating our reactions to life (this include everything from positive affirmations to grief/emotional energy release work, to support groups, to meditation, to inner hurt child work, etc.) so that we can change our relationship with ourselves at the core and start treating ourselves in healthier ways. This is exactly the kind of work that I’ve been helping my clients to achieve.
The second part is simpler and more challenging. It involves taking ‘the action.’ (‘The action’ refers to the specific behaviour. We have to take action to do all of the things listed in the first part.)
To change any behaviour we first must have awareness of our own unhealthy behaviours and beliefs and then to make conscious choices to act differently. Often times, to change the behaviour that is giving us a reason for the shame. Just saying ‘no’ — or ‘yes’ if the behaviour in question is something like not eating or isolating or blaming or exercising, and even though it may sometime work in the short run to use shame and judgment to get ourselves to change a behaviour, in the long term — in alignment with our goal of having a more Loving relationship with ourselves so that we can be truly happy — it is much more powerful to take that action in a Loving way.
This involves setting a boundary for the little child inside of us, who wants instant gratification and instant relief, out of the loving adult in us who understands the concept of delayed gratification. (If I exercise every day I will feel much better in the long run.) True pride comes from action taken. It is false pride to feel good about ourselves in comparison because of looks, talent, and intelligence or for being forced to become spiritual, healthy, or sober. Those are gifts. True pride is taking credit for the action we have taken to foster, nurture, and maintain those gifts.
The way to break the self-destructive cycle, to stop the dance of shame, suffering, and self-abuse, is to set Loving boundaries for ourselves in the moment of that desperate need for immediate gratification and to know that — though it is not shameful if we can’t do it perfectly or all the time — we need to ‘just do it!’ We need to stand up for our True Self to our wounded self in order to Love ourselves truthfully.